Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
