His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
