I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
