At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize