just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the day after is always just damage control
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she peed on how many people?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
