Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she looked like the before picture.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize