I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
