If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
