and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize