You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
