Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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