Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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