Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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