cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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