You don't have asthma, your pregnant
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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