We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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