Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
