my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Can you bring me the toilet please
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
