im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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