yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
