so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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