i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
