Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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