some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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