I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
