the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
