Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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