I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
