the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He passed out mid-signature
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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