honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
