one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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