I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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