I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize