I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
