My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
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