i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
