the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
