tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
