Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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