some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
