I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
