a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
