There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
