Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My cat gives me a boner
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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