8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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