Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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