we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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