I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
