You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
