I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
