i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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