so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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