It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize