I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
