i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
