Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
