honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
